What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
