Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
