OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
