I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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