Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
