Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
