When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Randomize
