Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
