I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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