Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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