Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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