SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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