Don't make out with my wife yet
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
