You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize