Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
