i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
