Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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