god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
