Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
