I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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