Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
