Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
