you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
