I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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