Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
