God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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