his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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