Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
