So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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