I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
