I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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