So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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