im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
PANTIES FOUND
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
