In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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