Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
