Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
