There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
