I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
