god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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