I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
