Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
