I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
