You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
