i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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