I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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