So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
