The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
