his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
When are your genitals available?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
