if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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