I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
