my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
