One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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