my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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