U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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