alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
