I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize