so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
