I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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