all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
