Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
