if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
