dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
