She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
