I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
