OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
