Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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