Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Randomize
