I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
