oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
